Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Crushing Weight of Doubt

   Some days I sit in front of this keyboard and I feel good. I find a thread to follow. I find a way to express something that I'm thinking or feeling. And if I can sit back and look at the product of that day, and believe that I've created something honest, then I'll probably feel pretty good about it.

   Other days nothing comes out. On those days, I usually feel like I have something to say, but I just can't find it. I can bounce around from one angle to the next. I can poke and prod. I can shake all the bushes, but the thing that I'm searching for remains hidden, and I'm eventually forced to abandon my search for the day.

   And then there are days like today. And those are by far the worse. Those are the days when the heavy voice of doubt is booming down from the mountaintops. "Who the fuck do you think you are? What the hell makes you think that you have anything meaningful to say? Why would anybody give a shit about your thoughts on anything? You're nothing special. You're a joke. You have nothing to offer anybody. So just shut up and go away. Find a corner to crawl into. Finish out your pathetic little life in your pathetic little corner, and be done with it."

   Days like today are tough. But writing this made it a little less so.

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